'Define Me' - Ryan Amador (featuring Jo Lampert)

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyNSGff-Nh4&feature=youtube_gdata_player


TJ

There's Gotta Be More To Life....

For those of you who haven't heard the song "There's Gotta Be More To Life" by Stacie Orrico, go check it out. It's 2:34am and I'm sitting awake in my room right now, with 3 very drunk friends who are spending the night out of necessity. I'm relating to that song so much right now. I'm 29 going on 30 this year and I am so tired of the drinking/bar scene and the random acts that follow and are somehow excused by the fact that they happened "while we were drunk". Oh sure it's fun every once in a while, but every weekend... it gets so old and pathetic. I'm single and I'm suffering from a serious case of "the grass is always greener", I just want to have a home and a life and good friends. Right now all I see is dysfunction everywhere I look. Is anyone truly happy anymore, or are we all just chasing down every temporary high to satisfy us??? I don't know that I would recognize true happiness if I saw it now!?

10 Years Has A Way Of Sneaking Up On You!

So yesterday was my 10 year high school reunion. It seemed to come out of no where and attack me. Just five years ago I was teasing my sister about being old when her 10 year reunion hit. When we are young a day or a week seems like such a long time, but as we grow older the year is over almost as quickly as it started and there's somehow never enough time.

There have been many things recently that have made me feel the age I actually am, rather than the age I'd like to believe I still am. Like "kids" I've known for over 10 years now turning into teenagers and driving and graduating. And loved ones passing away, causing me to think back on my long lost childhood. And my own nieces and nephews getting so grown up and big right before my eyes!

I ended up deciding not to go, mainly because everyone I would want to see from high school I am still in touch with in one form or another and see on a semi-regular basis, and the rest I didn't like so why would I want to know what happened to them??? That was the general consensus of all the people that I talk to from high school, if someone had wanted to go I might have gone along just out of sheer morbid curiosity. It did bring on a case of nostalgia however, so I sat around with a couple friends from high school thinking about what we've done since then, making catty remarks about people from high school, and being glad we don't have 4 kids and are on divorce #2 by now (while we enjoyed a few cocktails and went swimming, it was very sex in the city!).

I heard a report from one of my high school friends that a classmate who had gone said it did not have a good turn out (surprise). But, the reason it was not a good turn out was that the people who had gone were only there to brag about jobs, kids, marriage, and plastic surgery... but there was hardly anyone there to brag to. I say, save yourself the $15 and gas money and do it on facebook... or grow up and get over it and move beyond high school!!! Which ever you prefer. I've opted for the latter!

In a zany twist I happen to rent the movie "17 again" and have to say it was not one of the better movies I've seen. But it did serve the purpose of reminding me that you could not pay me enough to go back to high school. $1 well spent!

The things that seemed soooooooooo important, ended up being so totally inconsequential! And I have done so much growing and changing since then that I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Who knows though, maybe for the 15 or 20 year re-union I'll have a hot husband and a few kids and take them all to my next high school reunion?! What do you think?

Losing someone I love, has made me realize that we need to make the most of the time that we have. And enjoy the memories we make as well. Tell stories, take pictures, make videos, and share them all with friends and family! Even blog! So I plan to do this more and incorporate a lot more pictures and videos into my blog! Enjoy.

The Dream vs. The Reality

     It's been a while since I've posted, sorry about that.  That is due, in part, to the fact that someone who left my life recently decided to attack not only me, but also my blog.  I found that interesting because in the process of  hurling angry insults at me, the one that caught me the most was when he said "why don't you blog about this in your retarded blog".  And I've given this lots of thought since, and decided he was right... I should blog about it.  So I'm gonna!   

     I find it amusing that in this day and age of techno overload and constant 24/7 communication, we can now insult a profile as well as a person.  But I guess if we can date via the Internet, and break up via text or the Internet, and there are movies based on this phenomenon, why shouldn't we be able to insult a person as well as their profile.  

    I personally believe we as a generation and society have a much harder time giving someone a compliment, then we do making a cutting or sarcastic remark about someone thanks to the pioneering efforts of Jerry Springer!   That being the case, I try and always verbalize a compliment if I think it about someone, even if it's someone I don't know.  You'd be surprised how many people remember you when you do that, give it a try and find out... but fair warning, make sure it's a genuine compliment because a false compliment always comes across that way (as false)!

     For all the compliments I've received on my blog and brushed off as "oh they are just being nice or polite", the second someone said something harsh about this blog I took it to heart.   That got me to thinking that this is something I think MOST people do on a daily basis in their everyday life.   I know that I surround myself primarily with people who I love and care about, and on the flip side they care about me.  That makes it very easy for someone to minimize the compliments they give me, but one insult from someone who doesn't even really know ME and I cling to that for dear life.  Why are we so hard on ourselves???

     I'm sure there's probably a mixture of reasons,  self-esteem, self doubt, catholic guilt, etc. But what I keep coming back to is this is something that I was taught, and not just by my parents.    We get it from everywhere, and for years and years and years.   In religion we are taught Pride comes before a fall and to be humble.   We are taught humility in school, from parents, adult family friends.  Unfortunately, in order to teach this we are also being taught the self doubt in the process.  Because what 7 year old do you know that has a healthy understanding of what humility REALLY means?  

     And how does this reconsile with that competitive attitude we are taught at the same time, how can someone be aggressive, competitive & humble?  

     So with all of those questions floating around in my head, the answer (or at least part of the answer) finally came to me.  And it was so simple.   All it takes is a "Thank You".  As for the haters,  what I finally realized is that #1 they don't really know me and #2 they don't really like them selves very much and it's not worth carrying a grudge around for a person who already does a good job of that all on their own.   

     As for the guy who insulted my blog... it made me realize that he had been FOLLOWING my blog for a while and never said anything about it.  And that said a lot more than the insult.  I finally came to the realization that I do this more for me than anyone else.  It's a good place to get my thoughts out there and out of my head, and if someone likes it or can relate to it than great!  But if someone doesn't like it, oh well.  Take care, and thanks for reading!

feel free to share your thoughts!

Let Freedom Ring!

So it's been a while since I've written anything, that's largely due to the fact that I moved and I have been enjoying my own space sooooooooo much!  I know that most people who will read this have moved out and experienced this.  But I can't help thinking/feeling like this is somewhat different, mostly because most people move out when they are 18-20 and go to college.  So they move to a dorm and there's some transition.  But, like I've said before I rarely do things the easy or typical way.  And leaving the "nest" when you're 28 years old is a totally different thing.  I realized a big difference is not being woken up to requests to do things around the house, or calls during the day with requests to do things around the house, or being greeted at the end of the day with requests to do things around the house. THAT'S HUGE!  And I find myself doing a lot more house work, but not minding doing it at all.  I do a lot more dishes then I ever did before.  I do laundry a lot more often (although those that know me know this is a huge blessing).  Previous to moving out, I had to load all my laundry into my car and take it to a laundromat (or a different relatives house) and then end up spending most of the day there doing laundry which killed at least one of my weekend days every week.   Not to mention having to sit in a laundromat and watch the wash spin all day (you haven't had excitement until you've done that!).  Now the reason this is notable is because my mom had a working Washer and Dryer at home that she wouldn't allow me to use.  I even offered to give her the money I would spend at the laundromat and she still wouldn't let me use it.  Every once in a while I could sneak a load when she was gone, or guilt her into doing a small load.  But that was rare.  So it's soo nice to be able to throw a load in and wander around my house and play online or watch TV and not have to worry about it.  And doing a single load or two when I have it, rather than saving it all up for "Laundry Day".  Somehow I think it's a lot easier doing chores when you can see they are for you directly.

20 Years and Many Lifetimes...

I was informed today (by my mother) that it was the 20th anniversary of the day that my family moved in to the house we now live in.  My mother is big into links and anniversaries.  So we hear about every little thing, but I find it an interesting "coincidence" that  1 week before I'm moving out of this house I hit 20 years!  

     So anyway, it got me to thinking and I realized that I've lived in every bedroom of this house except the Master Suite.  I have now spent more than half my life in this house, and I can still remember the day we found out we were moving out of my old house.  For those keeping track, that means I moved into this house when I was 8 years old.  I have memories from elementary school all the way up to the present that all center around this house.

    As I've been sorting through things and packing I've come across things that have triggered old memories anyway, but thinking in terms of living in the same place for 20 years just seems unbelievable to me.  I have changed and grown so much in the last 20 years that it seems like I've gone through 3 or 4 lifetimes.  

    With that being said, it seems as though I'm beginning a new life time even as I write this.  Change never seems to happen smoothly.  There's always some bang, or at the very least it occurs suddenly and I'm left to adjust.  

     So for as much as I am so excited about moving and making this change and starting this new life, I'm also kind of scared.  It's like standing on the edge of a cliff and feeling the rush of adrenaline because you know that one wrong step and you could fall, but seeing that view and that perspective makes it all worth while and changes you forever.  But what I'm reminded of the more I look over my past is how much I've come through and survived.  So I know that if I do fall, I will survive.  And I also know that going into this I'm in a better place all around then I have been in a very long time.  So rather than worrying about falling, I've decided to take a that leap of faith and grow up.  

Wish me luck!

In The Name Of The Father (a.k.a. Saint Timothy of Nebraska)

     I haven't really said a whole lot about my father yet!   Growing up I was told I am just like him (god help me!), and people still tell me that.  But that's mostly because they don't know him. At least not like I do.  I've mentioned the fact that I have 3 older sisters and my Mom & Dad and that is the extent of my immediate family.  So you'd think in a situation like that the only son would be the "golden boy" but this is sooooo not the case.  If you asked some one to describe my dad, they'd tell you things like he's a fantastic cook, he likes to read, he's into politics, he's soft spoken, he enjoys music, he's religious, he's a hard worker.   All very nice compliments, but I can sum him up much faster... he's a hypocrite!  Plain and simple.  All of the descriptions listed above are true, but all in a very very twisted way.  

    For instance, he likes to cook but he doesn't like anyone who's not a close friend or family to know that he likes to cook or what a good cook he is.  He's taken some kind of baked good to numerous parties or made cookies to give to neighbors for Christmas, and when people started raving about them.... he told them my Mother made it.  Lucky for him, she loves the lime light so she goes along with it.  

     He's soft spoken, but only to people he doesn't know very well.  Once you get to know him, he can be mean, sarcastic, and biting.  And when he does this, he has a very difficult time admitting when he's wrong (if ever) or apologizing.   A characteristic my sister inherited from him, I'm sad to say.   

     He's a very religious person, and if you heard me speaking those words you would hear the scoff in my voice when I say the word "religious".   Many times I have made the distinction between "spiritual" and "religious".   Religion, as far as I see it, is man made and is more political than anything else (ironic considering man enacted laws to separate church and state).  It is subject to group mentality, and restrictions, and information being mis-interpreted for centuries. The present leaders of any church, tell the "flock" only as much as they NEED to know and try and twist and turn and apply centuries old lessons and morals to suit the world today.   Thus the new age movement and the reason things like "The Secret" and "Conversations With God" and "What The (Bleep) do we know?" and  "The Celestine Prophecy" have come along.  

Spirituality is a totally different matter.  It is, and should be, a totally individual personal experience.  And it is only as limited as the individual who feels it, and how they limit themselves.  It can include religious information, but it doesn't have to.  I explain it to friends like this, with so many religions out there teaching different versions of "right" and "wrong" of course there will be conflict,  but if you boil things down to a feeling of "true" and "different" then there's not this need for comparison and persecution.   Something that's true for you, might be totally different for someone else.  But because it's not "WRONG" just different, there's not this need to persecute someone for it.  Think about issues of sexuality, war, politics in this context as different instead of wrong.  We can accept people's differences, but if someone is "WRONG" then how is it possible to agree with them.  

     As for my father and the fact that he is hardworking.  He is a very hard working employee.  And he does a lot of charity work.  And let us not forget his work as a Eucharistic minister for the Catholic Church in our area.  And I'm not faulting him one bit for all of that.  But what good is all that hard work if when you're at home you're so unpleasant to be around that your wife and your son avoid you as much as possible... what good is it doing all that hard work?  Now you know why I think he is hypocritical.  And one of the saddest parts is, my dad and I share a lot of the same interests (music, singing, cooking, artists).  I think if it were anyone else, I would love hanging out with them for hours on end.

     I've never been interested in sports,  I tried things like t-ball, baseball, wrestling all when I was younger and didn't enjoy them.  I was the quintessential choir boy, and proud of it.  But I have a very distinct memory of going to visit my father's family in Colorado when I was a teenager, and going with his sister to her son (who happens to be just about my age)'s football game.  So my cousin and I are about the same age but in a zippy twist of fate his father had left him and his mom when he was young, and he's never been close to him.  But for being the child of a single mother, my cousin was athletic, good looking, and the all around "golden boy" of the extended family.  Every family has one!  But, on this particular day, at his football game... I sat next to my dad and as my cousin and his team took the field I actually saw my dad swell with pride as he saw our last name appear on the back of my cousin's jersey.  In that moment, I knew I was never gonna be the son he would be "proud" of.  So I've given up trying.   I recently realized that when I get in a fight with my father,  and am venting to a friend afterward... I talk about my father as if he had left us and walked out on our family.  It's not something in my conscience mind, but rather a way of speaking that stems from my feelings about my relationship with my father.  How it stands at this point in my life,  I want nothing to do with my father.  And have no desire to make any effort to have a relationship with him, it's just not worth it.  It's like a small child and fire, you get burned enough and eventually you'll stop doing it.

     As much as my dad is democrat and liberal, I still feel like he can't handle having a gay son.  I've come out to both my parents, and every now and again I'll get into a debate with my mom over issues of sexuality.  But after the day I came out,  I've never had an "intellectual" discussion or otherwise with my father about that subject.

     I realize at this point, all of this has been going on soooo long that my father has no idea who I am, what my life is all about, or anything near and dear to me.  Just by reading my blog, you dear readers are way ahead of my father. 

And the thing that makes all of this so entirely frustrating is the fact the to the outside world (yet another bubble), he seems like such a good wonderful guy.  The kind of guy you'd hope for as a father.  But only because they never see him behind closed doors when he rants and raves his mis-guided anger about pointless things.  Even my friends that I vent to have said it's hard for them to understand because they've never seen him like that themselves.  They believe me and support me because they are my friends, but conceptualizing it is a whole other thing.