In The Name Of The Father (a.k.a. Saint Timothy of Nebraska)

     I haven't really said a whole lot about my father yet!   Growing up I was told I am just like him (god help me!), and people still tell me that.  But that's mostly because they don't know him. At least not like I do.  I've mentioned the fact that I have 3 older sisters and my Mom & Dad and that is the extent of my immediate family.  So you'd think in a situation like that the only son would be the "golden boy" but this is sooooo not the case.  If you asked some one to describe my dad, they'd tell you things like he's a fantastic cook, he likes to read, he's into politics, he's soft spoken, he enjoys music, he's religious, he's a hard worker.   All very nice compliments, but I can sum him up much faster... he's a hypocrite!  Plain and simple.  All of the descriptions listed above are true, but all in a very very twisted way.  

    For instance, he likes to cook but he doesn't like anyone who's not a close friend or family to know that he likes to cook or what a good cook he is.  He's taken some kind of baked good to numerous parties or made cookies to give to neighbors for Christmas, and when people started raving about them.... he told them my Mother made it.  Lucky for him, she loves the lime light so she goes along with it.  

     He's soft spoken, but only to people he doesn't know very well.  Once you get to know him, he can be mean, sarcastic, and biting.  And when he does this, he has a very difficult time admitting when he's wrong (if ever) or apologizing.   A characteristic my sister inherited from him, I'm sad to say.   

     He's a very religious person, and if you heard me speaking those words you would hear the scoff in my voice when I say the word "religious".   Many times I have made the distinction between "spiritual" and "religious".   Religion, as far as I see it, is man made and is more political than anything else (ironic considering man enacted laws to separate church and state).  It is subject to group mentality, and restrictions, and information being mis-interpreted for centuries. The present leaders of any church, tell the "flock" only as much as they NEED to know and try and twist and turn and apply centuries old lessons and morals to suit the world today.   Thus the new age movement and the reason things like "The Secret" and "Conversations With God" and "What The (Bleep) do we know?" and  "The Celestine Prophecy" have come along.  

Spirituality is a totally different matter.  It is, and should be, a totally individual personal experience.  And it is only as limited as the individual who feels it, and how they limit themselves.  It can include religious information, but it doesn't have to.  I explain it to friends like this, with so many religions out there teaching different versions of "right" and "wrong" of course there will be conflict,  but if you boil things down to a feeling of "true" and "different" then there's not this need for comparison and persecution.   Something that's true for you, might be totally different for someone else.  But because it's not "WRONG" just different, there's not this need to persecute someone for it.  Think about issues of sexuality, war, politics in this context as different instead of wrong.  We can accept people's differences, but if someone is "WRONG" then how is it possible to agree with them.  

     As for my father and the fact that he is hardworking.  He is a very hard working employee.  And he does a lot of charity work.  And let us not forget his work as a Eucharistic minister for the Catholic Church in our area.  And I'm not faulting him one bit for all of that.  But what good is all that hard work if when you're at home you're so unpleasant to be around that your wife and your son avoid you as much as possible... what good is it doing all that hard work?  Now you know why I think he is hypocritical.  And one of the saddest parts is, my dad and I share a lot of the same interests (music, singing, cooking, artists).  I think if it were anyone else, I would love hanging out with them for hours on end.

     I've never been interested in sports,  I tried things like t-ball, baseball, wrestling all when I was younger and didn't enjoy them.  I was the quintessential choir boy, and proud of it.  But I have a very distinct memory of going to visit my father's family in Colorado when I was a teenager, and going with his sister to her son (who happens to be just about my age)'s football game.  So my cousin and I are about the same age but in a zippy twist of fate his father had left him and his mom when he was young, and he's never been close to him.  But for being the child of a single mother, my cousin was athletic, good looking, and the all around "golden boy" of the extended family.  Every family has one!  But, on this particular day, at his football game... I sat next to my dad and as my cousin and his team took the field I actually saw my dad swell with pride as he saw our last name appear on the back of my cousin's jersey.  In that moment, I knew I was never gonna be the son he would be "proud" of.  So I've given up trying.   I recently realized that when I get in a fight with my father,  and am venting to a friend afterward... I talk about my father as if he had left us and walked out on our family.  It's not something in my conscience mind, but rather a way of speaking that stems from my feelings about my relationship with my father.  How it stands at this point in my life,  I want nothing to do with my father.  And have no desire to make any effort to have a relationship with him, it's just not worth it.  It's like a small child and fire, you get burned enough and eventually you'll stop doing it.

     As much as my dad is democrat and liberal, I still feel like he can't handle having a gay son.  I've come out to both my parents, and every now and again I'll get into a debate with my mom over issues of sexuality.  But after the day I came out,  I've never had an "intellectual" discussion or otherwise with my father about that subject.

     I realize at this point, all of this has been going on soooo long that my father has no idea who I am, what my life is all about, or anything near and dear to me.  Just by reading my blog, you dear readers are way ahead of my father. 

And the thing that makes all of this so entirely frustrating is the fact the to the outside world (yet another bubble), he seems like such a good wonderful guy.  The kind of guy you'd hope for as a father.  But only because they never see him behind closed doors when he rants and raves his mis-guided anger about pointless things.  Even my friends that I vent to have said it's hard for them to understand because they've never seen him like that themselves.  They believe me and support me because they are my friends, but conceptualizing it is a whole other thing.